Category: Humor

Funny stuff. Duh.

First Aid for Mace Attacks

Posted on by Eric Brooks

I’m reading this off a can of mace.
This is serious stuff.

“First Aid: Remove subject from contaminated area and position subject in an area of fresh air. Verbally reassure subject and continue to monitor subject throughout the decontamination process…”

*puzzled*

What kind of passive/agressive bullshit is this???!!???
“Verbally reassure” him of what…? Though he’s a thug that tried to mug/rape/muder you, he’s probably a good person deep inside?

One can only assume that “subject” just got sprayed with mace for a relatively good reason. So grab a crayon, and write this over your mace instuctions:

“First Aid: While subject is covering his eyes and screaming like a little sissy bitch, repeatedly kick subject in the nuts. Should subject remove his hands from his eyes, discharge more mace. Repeat until subject’s eyes are bleeding, melted out of it’s orbital sockets, or until can is finally empty; whichever occurs last. Leave for dead.”

I mean, really.

Elevator Conversations II

Posted on by Eric Brooks

(MORE Honest to goodness conversations overheard in elevators)

Guy One: “I am so fucking BROKE!”

Guy Two: “Tell me about it, I’m wondering if I should sell my liver on ebay or on the black market! Which one do you think will get me more money?”

Guy One: “What does it matter? You’ll be dead.”

Guy Two: “Bullshit, dude….! People donate a kidney, and live off the other one all the time!”

Guy One: “But you only got *ONE* liver.”

Guy Two: “I do?”

*silence*

Guy Two: (Both getting off the elevator) “SHIT!!! I better call the doctor and cancel the surgery then.”

Swingin' 60's Part I: Keep off the Batboat!

Posted on by Eric Brooks

batboat_tn.jpgI know, I know… it said: “Please keep off, signed, Batman“.

Did that little fat kid listen?
Noooooooooooooo…..

Actually that was at a boat show in Upstate N.Y., circa 1968. I’m the little fat kid. I got to ride on the Batboat from the “Batman” tv series… and even got a certificate (I think still have it. If I find it, I’ll scan it.) That I am a certified charter member of The Batboat Club: Stamping out Crime on the 7 Seas.

I don’t remember much, I was only three… but I do remember when that old geezer let me sit in it, those plastic seats were hot as hell!

How did Burt Ward *not* fry his little balls with those skimpy tights is a wonder to me!

Message from the President

Posted on by Eric Brooks

The following has been forwarded to me to post by the President of the United Planet of America (since more people come here than the White House site, and he can deny this in case WWIII breaks out.)

DEAR EURO-PEE-ONS:
Yes, that’s right celebrate and laugh it up over the World Cup. Fact of the matter is… GOOD Americans really don’t give a furry rat’s ass about SOCCA.

You see, we have our own version of “FUTBOL”, and I doubt highly that your little German pansies would care to prance around the gridiron up against our N.Y. Giants, Dallas Cowboys, or San Francisco 49’ers… would they? WOULD THEY???? Mah daddy shot down a whole buncha you little Zero* Krauts back in the Big One, and if our boys were allowed to use nukes in this game… tha score woulda been just a little different, that’s all I’m sayin’.

WHOOOOO DOGGIE!
-w-

*(Editor’s Notes: “Zeroes” were *Japanese* planes, not German…. SHHHH!)

The truth about women…

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Here is a *GREAT* blog entry, for us men… also known as “The Dumber Sex“:

“Men, did you honestly think that you saw us wherever you went due to some oddly karmic twist in fate? NO! It took a lot of hard work and dedication to just turn up when you least expected it, seemingly at random! ”

Oh, well ain’t *THAT* the friggin’ truth!!!??!!??

I remember when I used to hang out with my best friend John. He had a studio in the back room of his apartment, we did a lot of recording, or just hanging out.

A lot of the times I was there, John’s wife, Janet, had a friend over. Made perfect sense. She and her friend, Carole both kept each other company while the “hotshot musicians” played in the back room.

She also came bearing gifts too… my greatest weakness…FOOD. (I was surviving on ketchup sandwiches at that point.) Trays of it. She was a caterer.

Well, even with her constantly around… it took “Mr. Badass Guitarist/Singer” weeks to finally get the courage to ask her for her phone number.

… and it took *years* of marriage to Carole for her to finally admit it was a setup all along! Everytime Janet heard I was coming over, she called Carole.

So HA! HA! on YOU Tess!!!! I’m blowing the whistle on you and, all of wimmen-kind!!!!!

They’re plotting against us, guys!!! BE VERY AFRAID!

And…and… they make you *fat*, so you’re repulsive to other women. That’s how they keep you.
*PPPPTBBBTHHHHHHHHH!!!!!*

Evil Bert is Dead

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Sometime last night, Web Designer Dino Ignacio pulled the plug on his long-running internet-cult-classic “Bert is Evil” site. It was his own personal decision. No “cease & desists” or threats involved.

Seeing his work on a pro-Taliban protest was apparently too much for him. The Children’s Television Workshop, is also panicking at the site of one of their creations, broadcast around the world next to the most dangerous man alive.

I think these people need to reach deep down inside, and see the hilarious irony of it all… Osama’s own supporters made an ASSHOLE out of him. And Bert helped. Whether it was our Special Forces slipping it into the printing plates, or the “official story” of an honest mistake by the printer… it was effective and humiliating nonetheless.

The story below about “Sesame Street being bombed” was a fabrication. Elmo, Big Bird, Zoe and the gang are all alive & well. It was propaganda. I took that day’s events, like any good American, and rolled with it…..

<The sound of the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” blaring in the background>

I want the memory of that protest in Bangladesh embedded in the world’s mind forever. The world needs to talk about it, and laugh at Ass-ama forever. Let the world know that The Taliban and Al-Qaeda’s contempt for our culture will be the means to their demise… you were humiliated by a muppet, Assama!

Thank you to…

  • Dino Ignacio – Who has a great-looking site with lots of other fun stuff… check it out.
  • The Children’s Television Workshop, for 31 years of great entertainment, and shaping many of us into the grown-ups we are today…
    (They have a great section called “Tragic Times, healing words”, offering help to parents in explaining 9/11…)

And most of all….

Flag courtesy of Comstock Images, Bert Courtesy of CTW….

America needs to laugh again

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Seriously. It’s part of the healing process.

You’d have to understand my origins to understand me. I’m from Brooklyn… we are world-renowned for our sick humor at the darkest times.

Growing up in dilapidated house, no male role models to fix things as they broke… (My friends have been calling the house “1313 Mockingbird Lane” since Junior High School). You had to laugh at it. When I built a recording studio in my basement, to watch the toughest “gangstas” in Brooklyn haul ass, as sewer rats the size of chihuauhas came out to hear their lyrics…

That was funny as hell!

There were a lot of hard times there, it was overcrowded, it was hostile and dangerous to be a white person in that neighborhood after a while…

Humor got us through.

Early attempts to make us laugh after the tragedy was pretty bad. Poking fun at the WTC is like making fun of a rape victim (which is never funny, and when you think about it… that’s what happened to America on 9/11).

However…

  • Al Qaeda announced Thursday that it would lay off 5,000 or more holy warriors. – Fucking hilarious!
  • The Onion shows us how it’s done with its Special Report: “Holy Fucking Shit! Attack on America” – American satire at its best….. CHECK IT OUT!
    All links via MetaFilter… which brings me to today’s Newz & Gossip:
  • The end of MetaFilter? – Former “A-Lister” and Webby loser Jason Kottke and MetaFilter mastermind (and former “A-lister”) Matthew Haughey discuss (as we’re all apparently ignored) how MetaFilter is a “hassle”, “may be scrapped”, and “turned into something it wasn’t meant to be”…

Uhm… that would be total domination and worship of the “A-List”, wasn’t it?

Matt, boobalah, do you realize what a juggernaut you have created?

It’s valuable property… and if you play your cards right (ie: stop complaining about what a hassle it is to maintain.) You can make a small fortune selling it off with all your hard work and brilliant coding.

Me? I’m all for the worship of the A-List…

why?

Because there is a new “A-List”. Run by the Axis of Jon Sullivan and Matthew Rossi (as confirmed here…).

We MUST worship them! Compelling content and good discussion is what the people want… Besides, I know these guys. If I suck up to them enough,
***I can become an “A-Lister”.*** :0)

  • I will now proudly resume my role and bring you the finest in Newz, Gossip, and Pro-American Propaganda…

Well, maybe…

Tomorrow I face a judge on various charges for what happened over the summer… you all know what happened after that, and obviously this “Police State” isn’t done punishing us.

For what? For being stranded, and doing the best you can to stay afloat.

Will I do jail time? Will I face a stiff fine? Or will this Magistrate decide we’ve been punished enough?

Sentencing is tomorrow morning in Dingman’s Ferry if you all have nothing better to do.

I’m sure the same people who had a field day cracking “Trailer Jokes” as the Sheriffs locked us out of our home last February are going to have a field day with this one…

Oh well, at least they’ll be laughing again. Laughter is good.

Y2k Revisited….

Posted on by Eric Brooks

Y2K Mike
The web looks like it can use a laugh right about now.

Remember what you were doing during Y2K?

  • Making sure you weren’t in an elevator or on a train?
  • Waiting for the Russian missiles to blow us to kingdom come?
  • Holding your breath when the clock struck midnight?
  • Not reading my Newsletter when I TOLD you nothing was going to happen????Well, I was running a series called “Y2K Mike” at the time. It started on New Year’s Day, and quite frankly the world was pretty sick of words like “Y2K” and “Millennium”, so I canned it and never finished it.

    Since we all like to get roped into tales of hardship that may/may not have happened… here is the harrowing tale of a survivalist and his wife being trapped in their Y2K shelter for nine horrible days, while his redneck buddies let them think the United States was destroyed (laughing their asses off above ground).

    A hoax you say?
    Please don’t insult me.
    I assure you the story of Y2K Mike is quite real*, and all the cynics can go to hell.

    *In light of this article, maybe I better flat-out say it’s a PARODY. Penned in January 2000, with a new shock ending rewritten last night, which you may find pretty amusing…

    …or not.

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