Humor Archives - Page 17 of 19

Why nobody likes me (Part 2,153)

Posted on Wednesday October 30, 2002Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

(As always, I’m posting on a time-delay due to hospital restrictions)

So, Friday was “Employee Appreciation Day“. Always a cool thing they do here every year… free food, raffles, door prizes, your supervisor serves you. Tres kewl.

Best of all: FREE COKES IN THE VENDING MACHINE!!!!!

Yadda, yadda, yadda. Friday’s done.
Saturday morning, I come in… and much to my surprise, the vending machine is *STILL* dispensing free soda.

WOO HOO! Breakfast is served.
Continue reading “Why nobody likes me (Part 2,153)”

I’m not Luther

Posted on Saturday October 19, 2002Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

Not I’m not.
Nobody is Luther.
Sometimes *Luther* isn’t even Luther.

But I can sing, and sing I will.
For the first time in Lord knows how long I will be Karaoke-ing tonite.

Of course there will be anything on the list done by George Michael or a Brothers Gibb… maybe some Earth, Wind and Fire (the last time I did “Boogie Wonderland” I swear that damn song went on for an hour… had three rounds of applause as I kept sitting down, only to find out it was just a musical interlude….

How long is that damn song anyway??!!??)

Perhaps I can stick around long enough to do my national-anthem-that-I-have-yet-to sing, “Play That Funky Music White Boy“….

If I do “One In A Million You” again, I will get laid for sure…
Hopefully the Mrs. will be there to hear me sing it this time. :0)

Any requests?

Nico poses the following theory:
“people who talk the most about sex is the ones who has less of it. ”

*blinks. Looks around.*

Anyway, back to sex talk…

I do humbly apologize for the previous post. Could have been a great discussion about the Second Step Program… but instead I was sidetracked by the soft, juicy body radiant beauty of the young woman presenting it.

That was strange, like she was giving off pheremones, or something.

Probably one of three times in my life where I can actually taste my prey, and thought of nothing but pumping her silly I’ve gotten infatuated like that.

She did pay me extra attention though. I could ask the other daddies there if they sensed the same thing. I dunno, it was weird, and it seems to be reduced to masturbating over her only two times a day subsiding.

Second Step Program

Posted on Friday October 18, 2002Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

Forgive me, as this may take several drafts, I’m kind of distracted these days.

We had a function at the school on Wednesday, a spaghetti dinner for charity.

Mainly it was for a very young and attractive teacher to explain the Second Step Program. She seemed to pay extra attention to me during the dinner, and while giving the presentation, and it was hard to concentrate past her sparkling green eyes and her conservatively dressed, yet oh-so-gropable body.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the Second Step Program.
Anyway, I think it’s an interesting concept where kids are taught to resolve conflicts with empathy… basically getting inside the other person’s head and knowing how they feel. To systematically examine the problem and *both parties* work together to resolve it.

A lot of words were lost, as I was (as usual) doing another 48 hour day, and I could swear her blouse was unbuttoning by my sheer mental telepathy.

I can see this going one of two ways. I had a pretty fucked up childhood. I think most of us did, when you look back… being intimidated by bullies, made fun of, rejection, inadequacy…

Well, eye contact was out of the question… they were too dazzling, and the exploding peek-a-boo hooters forced me to keep drifting off into thoughts of fucking her brains out right there in front of the very uptight crowd… to I tried concentrating on what she said by watching her mouth. Those soft, moist, full lips, her eager… wet… mouth… just….

OH GOD… BRB!!!!

Okay, I’m back… where was I?
Oh yeah (I’m clear-headed now.)

I’m trying to imagine a world where kids are taught early on to resolve conflicts with cold reasoning, bullies putting themselves in the victim’s position and not picking on them anymore….

At face value, I think that’s awesome.

On the other hand, we ARE who we ARE, because of these traumatic childhood experiences.

Would I be as creative as I am now, if I didn’t retreat into a fantasy world as a kid?

Would I be as over-protective of my family as I am if I wasn’t fucked with and constantly tormented?

Would I be able to handle some of the situations I’ve been in with the same balls of steel if it *WEREN’T* for the trials by fire I had to endure early on?

I don’t know, I am so tossed up about this program. While every one is thinking about all the future Jeffrey Dahmers and D.C. Snipers being averted, I wonder how many kids will use the skill of “getting inside people’s heads” and becoming future Hannibal Lechters?

Everyone sees a future of peace and harmony, and I’m seeing a generation of wimps not knowing what to do during a terrorist attack or a hostile army taking over.

In the immortal words of Captain Kirk: “I NEED my pain.”
I need my creativity, my wits, & my borderline-insanity to survive.
I needed the events that shaped me into who I am… ‘cuz I kinda like me.

I dunno, somebody give me some perspective here… tell me what *YOU* think about the program. Considering homicide is the #2 cause of death of our 12 to 24 year olds… maybe teaching kids to control their impulses and emotions early on is a good thing. Maybe I’m not seeing the big picture here, or are these people just too optimistic as I feel there will *ALWAYS* be a predator somewhere in the shadows of our society???

I wonder if she’s listed in the phone book? :0)

Sure-fire lines

Posted on Wednesday October 9, 2002Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

Have a pest annoying you? Here are a few lines GUARANTEED to stop them in thier tracks…

Doting new parents that *constantly* urge you to hold their child/see pictures:“Awwwwww…. (s)he is TOO CUTE!”
“Adopted?”

People that hang over your food when you’re trying to eat:
“Eeeeew, I think someone’s trying to kill me! Try this. Does this taste like rat poison to you?”

Get rid of telemarketers:
People have it backwards. They try to get *off* the phone with these guys, when they are armed with a million responses to keep you on the phone.

Turn the tables on them by getting *REALLY* personal and chatty. Remember, they’re paid a commission for every lead they generate… if they see it’s going nowhere, and you keep directing the topic back to a pointless conversation… *THEY* will be the ones to try and get rid of *YOU*.

…. which unfortunately, is not covered in the training manual. :0)

Worst case scenario, is their supervisor will assume they’re goofing off and having a personal phone call and get fired. Of course you don’t want that to happen. Do you?

Sure-fire line to get you a seat on a bus or subway:
(Hover over intended target and say:) “I think I’m gonna throw up.”

You’re on the date from hell, it’s raining, she doesn’t want to get wet, and you want to end this…ASAP:“Awww, honey…. don’t worry. Only *sugar* melts in the rain.”
“Doo-doo kinda clumps together.”

Power and Stupidity…

Posted on Wednesday October 9, 2002Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

Yes… it is 4:45, and I’m about to go to sleep. (again)

I redid the door and window for poser, and I’ll send them out to everyone who asked tomorrow (or the next day, or…).

It was brought to my attention what I have known all along:
I am a moron.

See the “Subscribe for updates” box on the right? I was getting a complex because no one has signed up recently… fact is the damn thing hasn’t been working since the jump to undisturbed.org.

It works know…
If you signed up before, and haven’t had an update mailed to you in months… well, I lost your address during the move.

Why? Like I said, I’m a moron.

Well, no major news here… well it is major to me.
I registered to vote on the day of the deadline.

It will work like this… if you are an incumbent. I vote you out.
Simple as that.
I suddenly feel some sense of empowerment here. :0)

I think everyone who thinks that it all sucks, should just vote ’em all out and let fresh blood take over… I mean, how much worse can it get? Especially all of the local ones… *THEY’RE* the ones who effect your daily life more than a president or senator.

I know what you’re thinking… “e, that’s horrible…. putting people out of work like that, because you’re disenchanted with society????”

Folks… they’re not “people” okay? They’re politicians. It’s all showbiz. They’ll rape their own mothers and put it on videotape if it means getting your votes. They’re the lowest species on earth. Just below slugs, algae, and casting directors.

Do yourself a favor and boot them all out.
I’m looking forward to having an ex-judge ask me:
“Would you like fries with that, sir?”

hee hee!

Siskel and -e-bert rent a movie

Posted on Saturday September 21, 2002Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

“SHE’S DANCING ON THE BED IN HER UNDERWEAR!!!”
*Runs down the stairs watches until Britney’s fully clothed in the next scene.*

“She’s getting undressed! Hurry!”
*Nearly break at least one leg while falling down the majority of the stairs. Limp back upstairs while she gets re-dressed.*

(Repeat several times)

I have decided with what little a managed to catch of Crossroads, it’s probably one of the greatest movies ever created.

Of course points had to be subtracted due to the fact that the movie seems to be cluttered with that icky “dialogue” and “plot” stuff.

… and because I think I should have a doctor look at my leg.

I’m pretty sure that really hard and sharp thing protruding out of my pant leg is a compound fracture.

The First Amendment for dummies.

Posted on Friday September 20, 2002 by Eric Brooks

(Does this sound like anyone you know? I can think of at least five people off the top of my head….)

Idiot: “Dammit to hell, this ‘Freedom of Speech’ stuff is bullshit. We don’t have it!”

Me: “Sure we do.”

Idiot: “Everytime I open my mouth, someone attacks me in my comments.”

Me: “Well, they have freedom of speech too, remember?”

Idiot: “It’s not RIGHT!!!!”

Me: “Yeah, that “freedom” stuff is a bitch, ain’t it?”
Continue reading “The First Amendment for dummies.”

Weird phone call day

Posted on Tuesday September 3, 2002 by Eric Brooks

Well, it’s official… Skarlet is my first official ping for her “Weird Phone calls“.

Only three people in the entire country *DIDN’T* know yesterday was a National Holiday…

…and they *ALL* seemed to find her.

I do believe today’s message came darn close though. It was anonymous left to our editor, which I had to hear in case the story ran on the web. It involves the closing of a chain of stores and the photo had an employee crying at the prospect of losing her job:

The phone call:
“I can’t believe you put a BLACK WOMAN on your front page!!! I swear to God, I’ll never buy your paper again if you don’t remember that WHITE PEOPLE come first…. those goddamn Blacks are ruinin’ everything here!!!”

Of course my only response was “well, a ‘heil hitler’ to you too, sir!”, followed by much laughter and jokes involving generations of inbreeding by our staff.

We will miss his patronage… as well as “Mr. Bunker’s” wit and wisdom.

Aw hell, we were also called “Socialists” in the “Letters to the Editors” page today, because we all think Ashcroft is a totalitarian asswipe (my words, not the papers. I’m paraphrasing.)

The phone call was anonymous, of course.
And if it makes a difference to anyone out there, the woman was Puerto Rican, not Black. I know her.

Welcome to 1950’s Mississippi.
*pops alka seltzer, yet still can’t control the giggling over stoopidity*

Things I wont be doing at work no more

Posted on Sunday September 1, 2002Thursday November 17, 2005 by Eric Brooks

Since I’ve been asked nicely by the powers that be, I will no longer…

Walk in singing “Cuban Pete“, and try to start a conga line with the sales staff.
Talk to my “imaginary friend” in the lunch room. See, it’s a vicious cycle. No one wants to sit with me… I wanna talk to someone, but now they’re claiming this is why they dont….
Ask about “the office weirdo”. Everyone keeps saying we have one, but I’ve never seen him/her.
Ignore my phone. I keep forgetting, I’m not home.
Tell everyone taking a smoke break on the loading dock how easy it would be for someone to drive by and mow us all down with Mack-11’s

I’ll be good from now on. I swear.

I guess I owe you an explaination…

Posted on Sunday September 1, 2002 by Eric Brooks

Why are you such a self-absorbed, evil, hateful, arrogant, spiteful little prick?
I’m an only child?

Why can’t you talk about the…?
Because I can’t. All my friends were privately emailed about what’s happened.
Drop it, okay?

You mean it didn’t…?
No. it didn’t.

Why did you leave Surreally?
I love kd with all my heart, and I owe her the world for so many things. I hate seeing her stuck in the middle every time I decide have, uh, fun. She has a business to run, and having a guy that feels the internet is his litterbox there is not a good thing for it.

Truth be told, I was simply planning on finishing out the rest of my sentence offline (hey, it’s only another 5 months…). Next thing I know, Faith and Patti had a spot set up for me.

Not sure if I’m up to blogging again… not that it’s ever stopped me before.

Are you gonna stay at *this spot* for a while?
It would appear so… but don’t look for daily updates, okay?

What’s it like being dead?
Very abstract… like a weird dream. Sometimes, I turn around and look out the window. Sometimes the window isn’t there. It’s very, very cold too. Like permanent Autumn.
Continue reading “I guess I owe you an explaination…”

WHUZZUP!

Category: Humor