Pure, unadulterated stupidity Archives - Page 7 of 7

I guess I owe you an explaination…

Posted on Sunday September 1, 2002 by Eric Brooks

Why are you such a self-absorbed, evil, hateful, arrogant, spiteful little prick?
I’m an only child?

Why can’t you talk about the…?
Because I can’t. All my friends were privately emailed about what’s happened.
Drop it, okay?

You mean it didn’t…?
No. it didn’t.

Why did you leave Surreally?
I love kd with all my heart, and I owe her the world for so many things. I hate seeing her stuck in the middle every time I decide have, uh, fun. She has a business to run, and having a guy that feels the internet is his litterbox there is not a good thing for it.

Truth be told, I was simply planning on finishing out the rest of my sentence offline (hey, it’s only another 5 months…). Next thing I know, Faith and Patti had a spot set up for me.

Not sure if I’m up to blogging again… not that it’s ever stopped me before.

Are you gonna stay at *this spot* for a while?
It would appear so… but don’t look for daily updates, okay?

What’s it like being dead?
Very abstract… like a weird dream. Sometimes, I turn around and look out the window. Sometimes the window isn’t there. It’s very, very cold too. Like permanent Autumn.
Continue reading “I guess I owe you an explaination…”

First Aid for Mace Attacks

Posted on Wednesday July 10, 2002Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

I’m reading this off a can of mace.
This is serious stuff.

“First Aid: Remove subject from contaminated area and position subject in an area of fresh air. Verbally reassure subject and continue to monitor subject throughout the decontamination process…”

*puzzled*

What kind of passive/agressive bullshit is this???!!???
“Verbally reassure” him of what…? Though he’s a thug that tried to mug/rape/muder you, he’s probably a good person deep inside?

One can only assume that “subject” just got sprayed with mace for a relatively good reason. So grab a crayon, and write this over your mace instuctions:

“First Aid: While subject is covering his eyes and screaming like a little sissy bitch, repeatedly kick subject in the nuts. Should subject remove his hands from his eyes, discharge more mace. Repeat until subject’s eyes are bleeding, melted out of it’s orbital sockets, or until can is finally empty; whichever occurs last. Leave for dead.”

I mean, really.

Just curious….

Posted on Wednesday July 3, 2002Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

I wonder if I say it again, what will happen to this site:

Curse of the Warlock

Heh. Still here.
It must have been that damn “Loop” again.

Message from the President

Posted on Saturday June 22, 2002Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

The following has been forwarded to me to post by the President of the United Planet of America (since more people come here than the White House site, and he can deny this in case WWIII breaks out.)

DEAR EURO-PEE-ONS:
Yes, that’s right celebrate and laugh it up over the World Cup. Fact of the matter is… GOOD Americans really don’t give a furry rat’s ass about SOCCA.

You see, we have our own version of “FUTBOL”, and I doubt highly that your little German pansies would care to prance around the gridiron up against our N.Y. Giants, Dallas Cowboys, or San Francisco 49’ers… would they? WOULD THEY???? Mah daddy shot down a whole buncha you little Zero* Krauts back in the Big One, and if our boys were allowed to use nukes in this game… tha score woulda been just a little different, that’s all I’m sayin’.

WHOOOOO DOGGIE!
-w-

*(Editor’s Notes: “Zeroes” were *Japanese* planes, not German…. SHHHH!)

The truth about boys, Uhm, I mean MEN…

Posted on Tuesday June 4, 2002Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

I posted this really frisky dream I had last night in someone’s comments section. Of course, not here… you’d have to know where to look.

Not that you *care*… I’m just saying. :0)

I would also like to add to the ongoing discussion, and confirm Miss Smarty pants’ allegation that men “stalk” too…

We sure do BAY-BEE!

I can’t tell you how many times my “Little Black Book” had numbers from girls whom I overheard giving it out to someone else, then I had to come up with some clever answer when they asked how I got their number…

Or how many times I’d take an alternate route home from school, for the sole purpose of following a girl (that usually didn’t even know I was alive) home…

Or my explaining to my boss that I was an hour and a half late because of “train problems” (which the “problem” entailed me getting off at a different stop, because that’s where a real cutie went..)

See? Sure us guys are generally dumb as posts… but we have our tactics too. :0)

(*My apologies to any males who feel this is, in any way of a “betrayal”, giving out some of our tricks… but “wimmenkind” think we’re “totally dense” and, I’m trying to correct that*)

In this day and age, maybe “stalking” probably isn’t the best word to use. But there is a *fundamental difference* between a guy following you around, trying to summon up the courage to ask you out… or an emotionally disturbed individual who wants to put your head in a jar of formaldehyde, okay? A *BIG* difference. :0)

And if Ruth (from the third grade, whom I gave a black eye once) is reading this: I’m sorry…I *really* didn’t mean to hit you that hard, and *YOU’RE* the reason I am obsessed with redheads, baby! YOW!!!! :0)

Of course, you’re, like, really friggin’ *old* now… EEP!

An open apology to my “friends” is coming up… I didn’t mean for this to run so long…

Banned Books Week begins Sept. 22nd

Posted on Thursday September 20, 2001Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

James and the Giant Peach…BANNED???!!???

I was reminded recently by Deb (“Yoo-hoo… I’m up here”) Smouse that September 22nd begins “Banned Book Week”.

…excuse me for a second… while I check a newspaper, and make sure Jerry Falwell didn’t get elected President while I took a nap this afternoon.

Banning books… isn’t that the first thing Hitler did when he became Chancellor of Germany?

It kinda touches on ~~today’s~~this week’s overall topic:

“If the effort against terrorism is to succeed, we must court, not ignore, world opinion. And we must learn to listen, even when we dislike what we hear. Especially when we dislike it.”
– Jeffrey Zeldman, responding to irate readers for his link to yesterday’s editorial in South African Daily Mail & Guardian –

I love being an American. I can’t think of a better place to be. But let’s face it… we’re also the most naive, nosy, closed-minded, arrogant fucks walking on this planet.

Please tell me I’m not the only person in the Western Hemisphere that knew Third World countries have hated our guts for decades????

It got to the point where I couldn’t take the “Anti-American” sentiment on MetaFilter this past week… You bring up Hiroshima, and I’ll normally remind someone that we went back after the war, paid billions in reparations, and helped the Japanese rebuild. When Kuwait was invaded by Saddam… they came to *US* for help. When these little piss-on countries need billions in foriegn aid, with no possible way to repay it… who do they go to? The United States, that’s who.

I could have blasted these people. But instead, I listened. America should listen right now.

There’s no excusing what happened though. Those 5,000+ people didn’t deserve to die (Including three firemen that Carole & I knew). It’s still my belief that these terrorists will do what they do, simply for a taste of notariety, and well, they’re assholes. It’s still my belief that Osama bin Laden and Al-Qaeda needs to be wiped out of existence, and if the Taliban wants to get in the way… so be it.

But Napalming the people of Afghanistan; Poor people, already ravaged by war, opressed by the Taliban, fleeing their country in terror… they don’t deserve to die either.

Saddam Hussein (of all people), recently stated “Maybe the U.S. needs to rethink their foriegn policy”.

America needs to listen. America needs their eyes and minds wide open right now.

God gave you two ears and one mouth… He was hoping you’d listen twice as much as you spoke.

Virus HOAX: SULFNBK.EXE

Posted on Tuesday May 29, 2001Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

Hey did you get an email that said

“Possible Virus – Check Your C: Drive“?

Did you follow the instructions?
Did you search for sulfnbk.exe?
Did you delete this file?

Congratulations. You’re an idiot.

Sulfnbk.exe was put in Windows98 to restore long filenames. It’s a hoax.
And you just deleted this file because one of your AOL “Forwarding friends” told you to.

For more information on this hoax, check out Antivirus.About.Com.

About ten of these emails have hit my inbox… and counting.

Y2k Revisited….

Posted on Monday May 28, 2001Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

Y2K Mike
The web looks like it can use a laugh right about now.

Remember what you were doing during Y2K?

Making sure you weren’t in an elevator or on a train?

Waiting for the Russian missiles to blow us to kingdom come?

Holding your breath when the clock struck midnight?

Not reading my Newsletter when I TOLD you nothing was going to happen????Well, I was running a series called “Y2K Mike” at the time. It started on New Year’s Day, and quite frankly the world was pretty sick of words like “Y2K” and “Millennium”, so I canned it and never finished it.

Since we all like to get roped into tales of hardship that may/may not have happened… here is the harrowing tale of a survivalist and his wife being trapped in their Y2K shelter for nine horrible days, while his redneck buddies let them think the United States was destroyed (laughing their asses off above ground).

A hoax you say?
Please don’t insult me.
I assure you the story of Y2K Mike is quite real*, and all the cynics can go to hell.

*In light of this article, maybe I better flat-out say it’s a PARODY. Penned in January 2000, with a new shock ending rewritten last night, which you may find pretty amusing…

…or not.

Eric goes to the hospital

Posted on Thursday May 17, 2001Friday June 3, 2011 by Eric Brooks

<begin commercial>
Hi… this your CyberPal!

When I’m not licking asbestos shingles on a dare, I like to spend my time playing with potentially deadly insects!
</end commercial>:

It all began when… (screen gets fuzzy and wavy) I woke up this morning and thought a tissue was stuck on my stomach. As I pulled it, I realized that it was some form of a creepy bug (white, about 3/4 of an inch long with black tick-like legs… is there an entomologist in the house?) halfway burrowed into my skin.

Anyway, to make a long story unbearable…

Carole had to pick up Ashley and rushed her to Pocono Medical center with abdominal pains. After work, I head over there… dizzy and weak as hell. They’re not 100% sure, but they think she may have some kind of parasite in her stomach. So I inform the doctor of my adventure this morning to shed some insight on this. Perhaps, since we live in the woods (aka middle of nowhere) our house may have some unwanted guests lurking in the woodworks.

“Do you have the insect, so we can take it to the lab?”
“Uh… no, I drowned the sucker under scalding hot water and he went down the drain”

Uh oh… wrong answer

“You should have saved it… that’s why God made plastic baggies.”
“God made plastic baggies?”

So me, with my yellowish-red eyes was immediately admitted, bloodwork, urine sample, lyme disease test… the works.

Carole pensively awaited the results. She knows I’ve been sick for months, tired all the time, dizzy, pale.

AND THE RESULTS ARE (insert drum roll)….

nothing!

She feared my condition could have been Lyme’s Disease, Diabetes, Anemia or a combination.

“Your husband’s perfectly normal…”
“Uhm, that’s a questionable term doctor”

Just simple burnout and dehydration. Prescription: Plenty of fluids and more than three hours sleep a night.

Carole’s relieved I finally saw a doctor. I’m sure Kare, wherever she is, is thrilled, as she also knows I haven’t seen a doctor since 1988.

So there… you’re all stuck with me for a decade or two, TOUGH NOOGIES!.

… and my tongue went back to it’s normal color after a few months, thanks for asking.

Bandwidth Crackdown!

Posted on Thursday October 1, 1998Saturday May 28, 2011 by Eric Brooks

XOOM is cracking down on anyone who is linking directly to their graphics.

In order to speed up their servers and cut down on bandwidth, anyone with graphics linked directly to a site on xoom’s server, you get this instead:
Good for them. Bad for me. Tons of people are linked to my Xoom site, using that method. I’ve notified everyone I know, and spent most of the week changing all of the old sites I’ve done.
If you’re linked to my Xoom site, please go to my linking page and use that source code.

Thanks for linking to me…by the way!

WHUZZUP!

Category: Pure, unadulterated stupidity